How to Find a Goth Boyfriend Who Actually Gets You

Finding a goth boyfriend who gets your music, your style and your weird sense of humor can feel like hunting for a specific pressing of a rare record. But goth guys are out there in good numbers. They're the ones in the long coats at the back of the show, the guy in the record shop arguing about Joy Division, and the quiet one in the group chat who sends the best memes. Here's how to find one worth keeping.

Know what you're looking for

"Goth" covers a lot of guys. There's the romantic type in velvet and ruffles, the deathrock punk with a spiky mohawk and a battle jacket, the cybergoth in neon and goggles, the industrial guy who lives in black cargo pants and combat boots, and the soft-spoken one who wears plain black and quietly owns every Cocteau Twins record.

Think about what matters most to you. Is it the music? The aesthetic? Someone who'll go to the club with you every month? Someone who's happy to stay in watching horror films? Knowing that helps you look in the right places.

Where goth guys hang out

The obvious spots

Goth, darkwave and post-punk nights. Go regularly. The second and third time is when people start saying hi.
Industrial and EBM nights. These usually have a lot of guys and a very dance-focused crowd.
Gigs. Darkwave, post-punk and gothic rock shows, plus metal and punk gigs where goth guys overlap.

The less obvious spots

Record stores and comic shops. Especially in the post-punk, horror soundtrack or graphic novel sections.
Tattoo studios and conventions. Lots of alt guys, lots of easy conversation starters.
Tabletop game nights. A surprising number of goth guys run very good Dungeons & Dragons campaigns.
Horror screenings and film festivals.

Online

Goth guys are often more relaxed online than in a loud club, so apps and chat communities are a great way in. Alt-focused apps let you skip the "so what's with the black clothes" conversation entirely. On Alt Chat, you can swipe through alt guys nearby or worldwide, or join live chat rooms and get to know someone through banter first. Our list of the best goth dating apps compares more options.

Starting the conversation

Goth guys tend to light up when you ask about music, films or their style. Some easy openers:

"That's a great shirt. Have you seen them live?"
"What's the best album you've bought this year?"
"Is that a hand-painted jacket? It's so good."
"You have Type O Negative on your profile. October Rust or Bloody Kisses?"

Online, read his profile and pick one thing to ask about. It shows you're interested in him, not just his photos. Need more ideas? See First Messages for Alt Dating.

Make your own profile easy to say yes to

If you're looking online, your profile matters as much as his. A few tips:

Use clear photos where people can see your face and your style.
List three or four bands you love, not a vague "I like dark music."
Add a fun prompt like "Looking for someone to go to the next Lebanon Hanover show with."
Put a song on your profile. On Alt Chat that's your Anthem, and it does a lot of work for you.

There's more in How to Write an Alt Dating Profile That Gets Replies.

Become part of the scene yourself

The easiest way to meet a great goth boyfriend is to have a great goth life of your own. When you're out enjoying the music, people come to you. A few ideas:

Pick one regular night and commit. Going to the same monthly club night for a few months makes you a familiar face, and familiar faces get introduced to everyone.
Make friends with other alt women and nonbinary folks. They know who's single, who's lovely and who to avoid. Friend networks are still one of the best ways to meet anyone.
Join the local group chat or Discord. Many scenes organize gig meetups, picnics and movie nights online.
Start your own thing. A goth film night, a cemetery history walk or a darkwave listening party at home can pull a fun crowd.
Hang out in live chat rooms. Being the person with great song recommendations in a group room is a cute, low-pressure way to get noticed.

You'll have more fun even before you meet anyone, and that energy is pretty attractive in itself.

Green flags in a goth guy

He's excited to share music with you and curious about yours.
He's kind to staff at the club and to strangers at shows.
He doesn't gatekeep or quiz you on your goth credentials.
He makes plans and follows through.
He's confident in his style but not precious about it. Laughing at himself is a big plus.

Red flags to skip

Treating sadness as a personality or using "I'm just dark" as an excuse for being rude.
Making fun of other people's style.
Getting pushy about meeting somewhere private before you've met in public.
Being dismissive of your interests outside the scene.

Fun first date ideas

Pick something that gives you both something to react to:

A record shop where you each pick an album for the other
A daytime walk through a historic cemetery during open hours
A horror movie at an indie cinema, then a late snack to talk about it
A natural history museum or an oddities shop
An industrial or post-punk night if you both like to dance

Browse more in Goth First Date Ideas.

If he's not goth at all

You might find your favorite person is a metalhead, a punk, a skater or someone who just likes you a lot and wears a lot of gray. That's fine. Our guide to dating someone who isn't alt has tips for making it work.

The bottom line

The right goth boyfriend is the guy who sends you a song at 1 a.m. because it reminded him of you, who shows up to the club night when he said he would, and who thinks your style is great exactly how it is. Go where he already is, ask about the music, and be yourself. It's simpler than it looks.

FAQ

Where can I find a goth boyfriend?

Goth guys hang out at darkwave and post-punk club nights, industrial and metal shows, record stores, tattoo studios and comic or game shops. Online, alt-focused apps and goth communities are the fastest way to find people who share your taste.

What are goth guys like in a relationship?

Like anyone, it depends on the person. Many are into music, art, film and long conversations, and plenty are softer and goofier than their look suggests. Judge the person, not the eyeliner.

How do I get a goth guy to notice me?

Start a conversation about something specific, like the band on his shirt or the song the DJ just played. Confidence and a real question go much further than trying to look a certain way.

Do goth guys wear makeup?

Some do and some don't. Eyeliner, black nail polish and pale foundation have been part of goth style for people of every gender since the early 1980s, but there's no rule that you have to.