Best First Messages for Alt Dating Apps

Most "first message dating app" advice is written for people whose whole profile is travel photos and tacos. Writing a first message as an alt person is a different (and more fun) game, but it can still feel weirdly stressful. You found someone with great boots and a profile song you love, and now you're staring at a blank text box like it's a final exam. The good news is that alt people have a huge advantage here: our profiles are packed with music, style and interests, which means you always have something real to talk about.

Here's how to write openers that actually get replies, with plenty of examples you can steal.

The simple formula

Most great first messages follow the same pattern:

1. Notice something specific about their profile.
2. Say something about it (a reaction, a compliment or a shared interest).
3. Ask an easy question so they have something to reply to.

That's it. You don't need to be hilarious or poetic. You just need to show you actually looked at their profile and give them an easy way in.

First messages based on music

Music is the best opener in the alt world, hands down. If they've listed bands or picked a profile song, start there.

On Alt Chat, every profile can have an Anthem, a song that plays when you open it. That's basically a free first message.

• "Okay, your Anthem is Siouxsie and now I'm in a great mood. Is that your all-time favorite or just your current one?"
• "A Deftones song as your profile song is elite taste. White Pony or Around the Fur?"
• "I didn't expect to hear Fall Out Boy when I opened your profile and I'm not mad. Have you seen them live?"
• "You picked a Cocteau Twins song, so I have to ask: what's the best album to fall asleep to?"
• "Your profile says you love post-punk. Who's the most underrated band you think I've never heard of?"
• "Be honest: is Disintegration the best Cure album, or are you a Head on the Door person?"

Music questions work because people love talking about what they love. And if you don't know the band, say so. "I don't know this song but I'm obsessed now, who is it?" is a great opener too.

If you're working on your own profile, we have a guide on how to pick a profile song.

First messages based on style

Alt people put real effort into their look. Noticing it is a compliment that lands.

• "Your eyeliner in the second photo is so sharp. What's your secret?"
• "Those platforms look amazing. Are they comfortable or are you just very committed?"
• "The patches on your jacket are great. Which one was the hardest to find?"
• "I love your hair color. Did you do it yourself?"
• "Your whole outfit in the cemetery photo is incredible. Is that Victorian goth or more romantic goth?"

Keep style compliments about things they chose, like clothes, makeup, hair and jewelry, rather than their body. It's more respectful and it's also more interesting to reply to.

First messages based on photos and bio

Look for details in the background or in what they wrote:

• "Is that a record store in your third photo? I need the name."
• "You said you're looking for a horror movie buddy. What's the last one that actually scared you?"
• "I see a cat in your photos. Name and personality, please."
• "Your bio says you can't sleep before 3 a.m. Same. What do you usually do at 2?"
• "You're into tarot? Okay, what card do you think I am based on my profile?"
• "That concert photo looks wild. Which show was it?"

Playful and silly openers

If their profile has a sense of humor, match it.

• "Quick question: vampire, ghost or witch? Your answer decides everything."
• "Rate my taste: I've had the same Bauhaus song stuck in my head for three days."
• "If we were in a horror movie together, would you be the one who investigates the noise in the basement?"
• "Settle a debate for me. Is pop punk emo, or is that a fight I shouldn't start?"
• "What's the most goth thing you own that isn't clothing?"

What not to send

A few things tend to sink a conversation before it starts:

• Just "hey" or "hi." It's not rude, but it gives them nothing to answer.
• Copy-paste messages. People can tell when you sent the same line to everyone.
• Comments about their body. Save it. It rarely goes well as an opener.
• Gatekeeping. "Name three songs by that band" is not flirting.
• Long essays. Two sentences is plenty for a first message.
• Anything about how "weird" or "different" they look. Alt people have heard it enough.

How to keep the chat going

So they replied. Nice. Now what?

• Answer their question and ask one back. Conversations are a tennis match, not an interview.
• Share something about yourself. If they tell you their favorite album, tell them yours.
• Send a song. It's one of the nicest ways to flirt in alt spaces. It says "I thought of you" without being too much.
• Move to plans when it feels right. After a good back-and-forth, suggest something low-key, like a record store, a show or a coffee. Our list of goth first date ideas can help.

If you find one-on-one messaging a bit intense, group chat rooms are a good warm-up. On Alt Chat, the Night Chats rooms let you hang out and talk with a bunch of people at once, so you can get comfortable before sliding into anyone's messages. For more ideas, see our post on conversation starters for goths.

What to do if they don't reply

It happens to everyone. Maybe they're busy, maybe they haven't opened the app in a week, maybe it just wasn't a match. It's not a judgment on you. Send another message to someone else and keep going.

One gentle follow-up after a few days is okay ("Still thinking about that Deftones question, by the way"). After that, let it go.

Quick cheat sheet

• Mention one specific thing from their profile.
• Add a reaction or compliment about something they chose.
• End with an easy question.
• Keep it to one or two sentences.
• Music is almost always the best way in.

You've got great taste and so do they. Just say something about it.

FAQ

What is a good first message on a dating app?

A good first message mentions something specific from their profile and ends with an easy question. Something like "Your profile song is so good, have you seen them live?" works far better than a plain "hey."

Should I just say hi on a dating app?

You can, but a bare "hi" gives the other person nothing to work with. Add one specific line about their photos, music or bio and your reply rate will usually go up.

How long should a first message be?

One or two sentences is plenty. Long paragraphs can feel like a lot before you've even talked, while a short, specific message with a question is easy to answer.

What if they don't reply?

Let it go and move on. People get busy, miss notifications or just aren't feeling it, and none of that says anything about you. Sending a second message is fine, but don't chase.