Dating a Goth: What to Know Before Your First Date

So you matched with someone in black lace and heavy eyeliner, or the cute person from the record shop turns out to be very goth, and you're wondering what you've signed up for. Relax. Dating a goth is mostly like dating anyone with a big passion, plus better music and darker curtains. Here's a quick, friendly crash course so you can walk into that first date feeling confident.

What goth actually is

Goth started as a music scene in the UK in the late 1970s and early 1980s, growing out of post-punk. Bands like Bauhaus, Siouxsie and the Banshees, The Cure, Joy Division and The Sisters of Mercy shaped the sound, and London clubs like the Batcave helped shape the look. Bauhaus's "Bela Lugosi's Dead" (1979) is often called the first goth record.

Since then, it's grown into a whole culture of music, fashion, art, literature and film, with lots of different branches. Some goths love 1980s gothic rock, some love modern darkwave, some love industrial and some are into all of it. For a good overview of the styles, see our guide to types of goth.

The main thing to know: goth is something people love, not a mood they're stuck in.

Myths to forget before the date

"Goths are always sad"

Nope. Goths are often some of the funniest people you'll meet, with a very dry, slightly morbid sense of humor. Liking melancholy music doesn't mean someone is unhappy, just like liking horror films doesn't make you a monster.

"It's a phase"

For many goths, it's been part of their lives for decades. You'll find goths in their 20s, 40s and 60s at the same club night. Don't call it a phase. Ever.

"Goths are into the occult"

Some people are into tarot or witchy stuff, and plenty aren't. Goth isn't a religion. Ask, don't assume.

"Goths are hard to talk to"

The look can feel intimidating, but most goths are warm once you start talking. Often they're relieved when someone just treats them like a person.

Things that will make a great impression

Be curious about the music

This is the big one. Ask how they got into goth, what their first album was, or which band they'd take you to see. Then actually listen to what they recommend. Sending a message the next day saying "I listened to Disintegration, you were right" is incredibly charming.

Compliment specifics

"You look nice" is fine. "Those boots are incredible, where did you find them?" is better. A lot of goths put real thought, time and sometimes DIY skills into their outfits. Noticing is a great way to connect.

You don't have to pretend to be goth. Talk about what you love, whether it's metal, cooking, hiking, video games or vintage cars. Shared enthusiasm matters more than shared wardrobes.

Be cool with the details

Your date might take a while to get ready, wear platform boots that make them taller than you, prefer a cemetery walk to a beach day, or have a cat named after a Poe character. All good things.

Things to skip

"You'd look better without the makeup." It's not a costume. It's their style.
Devil, vampire or Wednesday Addams jokes. They've heard them all, many times.
Asking them to "tone it down" to meet your friends or family. If you like them, you like them as they are.
Treating them as a fantasy. Being drawn to the aesthetic is fine. Making it their whole identity isn't.
Gatekeeping in reverse. Don't quiz them on whether they're "really" goth or ask if they're "still" into it.

A tiny goth glossary

You don't need to memorize anything, but knowing a few words helps you follow the conversation:

Trad goth: the classic early-1980s look, with big teased hair, heavy eyeliner, fishnets and lots of black.
Deathrock: a punkier, rougher branch with roots in the early-1980s Los Angeles scene. Think ripped clothes, studs and band patches.
Romantic goth: lace, velvet, corsets, ruffles and Victorian touches.
Cybergoth: neon colors, goggles, synthetic hair falls and industrial or EBM music.
Darkwave: moody, synth-driven music. A lot of newer goth bands fall here.
Post-punk: the late-1970s and early-1980s genre goth grew out of, now enjoying a big revival.
Babybat: a friendly nickname for someone new to the scene.

If your date uses a word you don't know, just ask. Most goths love explaining this stuff.

Good first date ideas

Choose something low-pressure where you can talk:

A record shop, where they can show you their favorites
A museum, especially natural history or anything with old art
A daytime walk through a historic cemetery, if they suggest it (many goths love them)
A horror or classic film screening
A café with good music and dim lighting

For 25 more, see Goth First Date Ideas.

What to wear

Wear what you'd normally wear on a nice date. Black is always a safe bet, but nobody expects you to show up in a cape. Clean shoes, something you feel comfortable in, and you're good. If you want to lean into it a little, our guide to what to wear on a goth date has easy ideas.

Making it work long term

If the date goes well and you start seeing each other, a few things help:

Go to a club night or show together, even if it's not your music. Seeing someone in their element is great.
Share your world too. Take them to your favorite things and see what they think.
Respect alone time with the scene. Sometimes they'll want a night out with goth friends. That's healthy.

There's more in our guide to dating someone who isn't alt, written from the other side.

Where to meet goths if you haven't yet

If you love the idea of dating a goth but don't know any, try goth or darkwave club nights, alt markets, record shops and alt-focused apps. Alt Chat is a free Android app where goth, emo, punk and metal people meet and hang out, and you can see someone's profile song before you even say hi.

The short version

Be curious, be kind, compliment the boots, listen to the albums, and don't call it a phase. Do that and you'll be a great date for a goth, or for anyone.

FAQ

What is it like dating a goth?

Mostly, it's like dating anyone else who has a passion they love. Expect a lot of music, some late nights, strong opinions about boots and probably a great sense of humor. Goths are regular people with a specific taste.

Are goths sad or depressed?

No more than anyone else. Goth is a music and style subculture, not a mood. Many goths are cheerful, goofy and very social, they just like dark aesthetics and post-punk music.

Do I have to dress goth to date a goth?

No. Most goths are happy to date people with a different style. What matters is that you respect theirs and don't ask them to change it.

What should I talk about on a date with a goth?

Ask about music first, like how they got into the scene or what they're listening to lately. Films, books, art and travel are great too. Avoid treating their style as the only interesting thing about them.